Why Can’t I Stop Overthinking?

Before we talk about how to stop thinking about something, it’s important to understand why your brain gets stuck in overthinking loops in the first place.

Sometimes overthinking starts with a real problem that needs your attention. That’s normal. We all think about decisions, relationships, or stressful situations when they’re unresolved.

But if you’re constantly replaying the same thoughts—day after day, night after night—it’s probably not about solving a problem anymore. It’s about trying to feel safe in a situation that feels unsafe or uncertain. And continuing to think about the problem probably won’t lead you any closer to a solution.

According to research on why we ruminate, repetitive thinking happens when your brain is stuck in a loop trying to solve something it perceives as dangerous or risky. It feels like preparation—but it’s really just mental exhaustion.

In fact, overthinking is often a trauma response. It’s the mind’s way of trying to control every possible outcome to avoid being blindsided. If you’ve experienced betrayal, loss, emotional neglect, or childhood trauma, this can become your brain’s default setting:

Worry now = maybe prevent pain later.

So, what’s really going on when you overthink?

• Your fight-or-flight system is still switched on. Even when you’re trying to rest, your body doesn’t feel safe enough to stop scanning for threats—so your mind keeps spinning. It’s like your brain thinks if it stays just a little more alert, it’ll protect you from danger.

• There’s also usually a part of you that believes overthinking will help you avoid pain. Maybe it’s trying to protect you from making a mistake, from being blindsided, or from feeling helpless. That’s why the thoughts won’t stop—they’re not random. They’re a survival strategy, even if they’re exhausting.

For me, this usually happened at night. I’d finally lie down, ready to rest, but instead of sleeping, my brain would run a highlight reel of worst-case scenarios:

• What if I don’t make enough money next month?

• What if something happens to my son and I miss the signs?

• What if my relationship is falling apart and I don’t even know it?

At the time, I thought I had an “overthinking problem.” Now I know it was my brain saying: “Hey, pay attention to this! I don’t feel safe letting it go yet.”

(Helping you work with those thoughts is exactly the kind of work we do in my mini-course, Rest Without Guilt. Because rest isn’t just about sleeping or doing less—it’s about learning how to calm your mind, too.)

Signs of Overthinking and Rumination

So how do you know when normal problem-solving has crossed the line into rumination and overthinking?

It’s totally normal to think about things that matter to you. Sometimes you’re facing a real issue that needs your attention—a financial decision, a relationship challenge, or a life change. That’s part of being human.

But when your thoughts get stuck on repeat, that’s different.

Instead of finding solutions, you feel like you’re running on a mental treadmill—moving but getting nowhere. The same thoughts loop over and over, leaving you exhausted but no closer to peace.

It might look something like this:

• You replay the same conversation or scenario in your head again and again

• You spiral into worst-case “what if” thinking, even when you know it’s not logical

• You have a hard time falling asleep because your brain won’t stop “thinking”

• You second-guess every decision, from big life choices to what you texted someone back

• You analyze every detail of an interaction, wondering if you said or did the wrong thing

• You feel mentally drained but unable to relax

• You’ve tried distraction, but the rumination comes back the moment you pause

• You’re stuck between “I can’t stop thinking about this” and “I’m so tired of thinking about this”

If any of these sound familiar, I can relate. I used to struggle with all of them. And most of the tactics I tried weren’t effective at all in slowing down my brain.

Why Most Advice About Stopping Thoughts Doesn’t Actually Work

If you’ve ever Googled how to stop thinking about something, you’ve probably seen the usual advice:

• “Just practice mindfulness.”

• “Distract yourself—go for a walk, watch TV, do something else.”

• “Reframe the irrational thoughts.”

And listen—mindfulness, meditation, distraction, and reframing all have their place. I’m not here to say they’re useless. But for most people stuck in chronic overthinking or trauma-based rumination, this advice often misses the mark.

Mindfulness is a powerful tool, but it’s not magic. The goal of mindfulness and meditation isn’t necessarily to calm your mind. The goal is to notice what’s happening in your mind without getting pulled under by it.

At first, this might actually make you more aware of your thoughts, not less. That’s helpful in the long run (especially when we get to the steps I’ll share below), but if you’re expecting mindfulness to bring instant peace? You’ll probably feel disappointed, or even like you’re doing it “wrong.”

Mindfulness isn’t about erasing thoughts—it’s about building a relationship with them.

As for distractions? Yes, sometimes they work temporarily. You go for a walk, turn on Netflix, dive into work.
And for a little while, you get a break from the mental loop.

But distraction is more like putting a Band-Aid on a wound without actually treating the wound underneath. It can be part of your toolkit, but it doesn’t address the root cause of rumination, especially when your nervous system is stuck in fight-or-flight mode.

And, as far as therapy goes, I’m not a huge fan of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) in general. I find it to be one-dimensional and a bit pathologizing.

While it can offer some surface-level relief for rumination, in many ways, it falls short. Here’s why:

• CBT usually focuses on labeling thoughts as “irrational” or “maladaptive.” But your thoughts are never random—they’re protective (especially if you’ve been through trauma, loss, or emotional stress).

• Calling them irrational can feel invalidating, and it can even make you feel broken, like there’s something wrong with you for thinking the way you do.

I don’t believe you’re broken. I believe your brain is doing what it learned to do—trying to keep you safe.

Overthinking isn’t a flaw—it’s a signal. And if we treat it like a problem to fix, we miss the deeper healing opportunity.

So what’s the alternative?

Instead of forcing your thoughts to stop, what if you learned to soften them and get curious about what’s underneath?

That’s what we’re going to do next. I’ll show you a process that not only helps you calm your mind, but also helps you get to the root cause of why you’re overthinking in the first place.

How to Stop Thinking About Something (Without Fighting Yourself)

Here’s the part no one tells you: The harder you try to force yourself to stop thinking about something, the louder the thoughts usually get.

Your mind isn’t trying to torture you—it’s trying to protect you. That’s why forcing your brain to “be quiet” often backfires.

So what’s the alternative?

It might sound counterintuitive, but the way to stop overthinking is to stop trying to shut your brain off, and start listening to it instead.

Think of it like this:
If your child or partner was trying to tell you something important and you kept ignoring them, would they calm down?
Of course not—they’d get louder. They’d start repeating themselves, raising their voice, trying to get your attention.

Your thoughts work the same way.

When you stop trying to silence them and start getting curious about what they’re trying to tell you, something powerful happens:

They soften.
They slow down.
They stop needing to scream because you’re actually listening.

Sometimes the message is simple:
“I’m scared.”
“I don’t feel safe.”
“I don’t want to mess this up.”

When you meet those thoughts with curiosity and compassion instead of force, you’re not just calming your mind—you’re building trust with yourself.

In the next section, I’ll walk you through the exact process I use (personally and with clients) to do this.
It’s called the RESET Method, and it’s a way to break the overthinking loop gently and actually get to the root of what’s going on.

The 5-Step RESET Process for Calming Your Mind

This is the exact process I used to finally break free from chronic overthinking—not by forcing myself to stop thinking, but by changing my relationship with my thoughts.

I developed RESET based on:

• 7 years of my own therapy and healing work

• Years of experience as a trauma therapist

• Research and study as a PhD student in psychology

It’s a simple, step-by-step method that helps you calm your mind, regulate your nervous system, and actually get to the root of why you’re stuck overthinking—without making it complicated or clinical.

R – Recognize

The first step is to simply notice the loop without judgment.

Instead of thinking, “Ugh, why am I doing this again?”
Say to yourself:
“Oh—there’s the spiral. I see it.”

Awareness softens the panic. It shifts you from being in the thought to witnessing it.

E – Explore & Engage

Ask:
“What is this thought trying to help me with?”

Maybe the thought is trying to:

• Protect you from getting hurt

• Keep you from making a mistake

• Help you avoid being blindsided

• Prepare for worst-case scenarios so you won’t be caught off guard

This isn’t about “fixing” the thought—it’s about understanding it. When you lean in with curiosity, you often find that the part of you that’s overthinking is scared, not stubborn.

S – Self-Soothe & Support the Part That’s Looping

Once you’ve identified what the thought is trying to protect you from, pause and offer compassion and support to the part of you that’s spiraling.

This part isn’t trying to ruin your day—it’s trying to keep you safe.

So instead of saying, “I need to stop thinking about this,” ask:

“What do you need from me right now?”

Maybe it needs reassurance.
Maybe it needs a plan.
Maybe it just needs to know you’re listening.

Place your hand on your heart or take a deep breath as you offer this part of you the care it’s asking for.
This isn’t just self-talk—it’s building internal trust, which helps calm the mental loop.

E – Expand Capacity to Feel the Relief

This step is about letting yourself actually feel the shift that happens when you support the part of you that’s stuck.

Most of us move straight from insight back into stress without pausing to notice:
“Hey, I feel a little better right now.”

That pause matters.
When you let yourself feel the relief—however small—it starts to rewire your brain and body.

Take a moment to breathe, sigh, or move your body in a way that feels good. Let yourself experience the nervous system reset, even for just 30 seconds.
This is how you teach your system that it’s safe to rest, not just think.

T – Trust & Practice

This isn’t a one-time fix. It’s a practice.

Each time you use RESET, you’re teaching your mind and body:
“I don’t have to fight myself anymore.”

Over time, the loops soften. The spirals get shorter. And you build a relationship with your thoughts instead of going to war with them.

This is the exact kind of work we do in my program, Rest Without Guilt.
It’s not just about resting your body—it’s about finally giving your mind a break, too.

What About Self-Care?

If you’ve been stuck in a spiral of overthinking, it’s not just about managing your thoughts—it’s also about taking care of your body and nervous system.

That means the basics still matter:

• Getting enough sleep (or at least practicing rest)

• Moving your body in ways that feel good

• Eating regularly and nourishing yourself

• Getting outside for fresh air and sunlight

• Connecting with people who make you feel safe

These things reduce baseline stress, which makes it easier to calm your mind when it starts spiraling.

But here’s the catch: Self-care can also become a distraction if you’re not getting curious about what’s going on beneath the surface.

I’ve seen this happen a lot (and I’ve done it myself). You check off all the self-care boxes: yoga, green smoothies, meditation apps, sleep hygiene—and yet you’re still stuck overthinking at 2 AM.

Why? Because self-care, without emotional curiosity, can turn into just another to-do list. It becomes performative instead of transformative.

That’s why I saved this section for last. Yes—take care of your body. Prioritize rest, food, movement, and connection. But make sure your self-care routine isn’t just about doing more things perfectly—it’s about building a relationship with yourself that feels safe and supportive.

When you combine nervous system care with real inner curiosity, that’s when overthinking starts to lose its grip.

Final Thoughts: You Can Stop Overthinking Without Fighting Yourself

If you’ve been stuck in a loop of overthinking, here’s what I want you to take away from this:

You don’t have to force your brain to stop thinking.
You don’t have to distract yourself into exhaustion.
And you’re not broken for struggling with this.

Overthinking is often just a signal that your mind and body don’t feel safe enough to rest yet. And the solution isn’t about shutting your thoughts down—it’s about softening, listening, and learning what your system actually needs.

That’s why I created Rest Without Guilt.

It’s not just about resting your body—it’s about finally learning how to calm your mind without perfectionism, pressure, or forcing yourself to “just relax.”

In the course, you’ll get:

• Tools to regulate your nervous system and stop living in fight-or-flight

• Practices to break the mental spirals without judging yourself

• A real rest routine that actually feels good—not performative or punishing

If this clicked for you, you can learn more and get started here.

You don’t have to keep carrying it all.
You’re allowed to rest your mind and body—without guilt and rumination.