If you’ve ever found yourself wondering how to learn to love yourself, you are not alone.
We’re taught that self-love is important, but for many of us, it’s an elusive concept. What does that actually mean, and how do we do it?
It sounds great in theory, but how do we get started? Is it just gratitude and positive affirmations, or is there something deeper, something more transformative at play?
I get it. If you had asked me 5 years ago what self-love was, I would have come up with an answer that sounded right. But inside, I actually had no idea. It wasn’t a feeling I could truly conjure up most of the time.
I was great at giving love to others, at being the shoulder to lean on, the cheerleader, the fixer. But when it came to showing that same love to myself? It was like trying to grasp smoke—always slipping through my fingers.
Maybe, like me, you’ve noticed that you’re much better at showing compassion to others than to yourself, or that your inner dialogue could use a serious tone adjustment.
If that’s you, it’s okay.
Learning to love yourself takes intention, practice, and patience. And, if you’re not there yet, I’m here to help.
It’s easy to talk about self-love like it’s something that just happens, but the truth is, it’s a journey—a journey that’s often messy, challenging, and full of unexpected twists.
In this guide, we’re going to break down what self-love really is and how you can start embracing it in your own life. Not in some distant, someday future, but right now.
Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that you’re worth it, and you totally deserve it.
What is Self Love?
Self-love is a buzzword that gets thrown around a lot, especially when it comes to relationships and mental health, but what does it look like in practice?
For a long time, I wasn’t sure either. I’d have moments where I felt like I loved myself, but for the most part, my grasp on the concept was tenuous. I knew how to be there for others, how to support and care for them, but when it came to turning that love inward, my efforts were inconsistent at best.
The thing is, self-love, just like any other form of love, is a bit subjective. It isn’t just a single action or feeling; it’s a habit. It’s making the choice to value and appreciate and show up for yourself, consistently. Even when things are difficult.
I’ve found that self love is the culmination of self-compassion, self-acceptance, and self-care.
Like the legs of a tripod, without one, the whole thing can topple over.
Self-compassion is about being gentle and understanding with yourself, especially when you’re struggling. It’s recognizing that it’s okay to be imperfect, and treating yourself with the same kindness you would give a friend.
In my best-selling book, ‘31 Days of Self-Compassion’, I talk about self-compassion in-depth, with daily insights and practical exercises to help you create a habit of self-compassion.
Self-acceptance is about embracing who you are, flaws and all, and not constantly striving to be someone else. It’s about allowing yourself the freedom to experience a full range of human emotions, both pleasant and unpleasant.
And self-care? That’s the tangible stuff—making sure you’re eating well, getting enough sleep, and setting healthy boundaries.
Together, these create the foundation of self-love.
Healthy self-love looks like setting boundaries without guilt, speaking to yourself with kindness, and making choices that align with your well-being, even when they’re tough.
When you’re struggling with self-love, you might find yourself stuck in a cycle of self-criticism, people-pleasing, or neglecting your own needs. You might downplay your accomplishments, or worse, feel like you’re never enough, no matter what you do.
For me, it often showed up as self-sabotage, unrealistic standards, and a lack of self-care. It was a chronic feeling of shame and feeling ‘not enough’.
Fortunately, I don’t feel that way anymore. But, it was a long road to get here.
If any of this sounds familiar, it’s okay. Self-love is a journey, and it’s one that requires practice and patience. But recognizing where you stand is the first step. From there, you can start building the habits and mindset that lead to a healthier, more loving relationship with yourself.
And trust me, it’s worth the effort. Because when you truly love yourself, it changes everything.
Why is Self Love Important?
So, why is self-love so important? Well, for starters, it just feels good. We all want to be loved, and the best place to start is with ourselves.
But it’s more than just a trendy buzzword; it’s a powerful antidote to some of the most pervasive struggles we face.
Let’s start with shame—a heavy, often hidden burden that can weigh us down and keep us from truly thriving.
Shame is a deeply painful emotion that arises from the belief that we are fundamentally flawed, unworthy, or unacceptable. And the thing is, many of us are walking around hiding our shame every day, not knowing that so many other people feel the same way!
Self-love is the antidote to shame because it challenges the belief that we’re unworthy or inherently flawed. When we start to love ourselves, we begin to see our value, flaws and all, and that crippling sense of shame starts to lose its grip. Then we’re free to open ourselves up to the world and to others.
The benefits of self-love don’t stop there, as it’s closely linked to improved mental health. Research shows that practicing self-love reduces stress hormones, thereby reducing things like depression and anxiety.
When you treat yourself with kindness and compassion, you’re also less likely to spiral into negative thought patterns. Instead of beating yourself up over mistakes or imperfections, self-love encourages you to see them as part of your growth journey, not as defining features of who you are.
The reality is, when we show up for ourselves, we naturally expand our capacity to show up for others. It’s like that old saying, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” When your own well is filled with self-love, you have more to give—more love, more empathy, more understanding.
I can attest to this 100% in my own life. Once I started to love myself, my relationships with my son, my husband, my clients, and my family improved significantly. I was less reactive, more present, and more understanding.
Loving yourself isn’t selfish; it’s the foundation for being able to love others more fully. When you nurture that inner relationship, you’re not just doing it for yourself; you’re also enriching the relationships and connections you have with the people around you.
So, in loving yourself, you’re also opening the door to deeper, more meaningful connections with others.
Why Don’t I Love Myself?
If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably asked yourself this question a million times. And the answer is probably complicated.
For starters, self-love is a learned behavior, and if we weren’t taught how to love ourselves, it can feel like a foreign concept.
Unfortunately, I can relate. My own early life was marked by relationships where I was mistreated, abused, and taught to prioritize others over myself. Those experiences left me feeling like I wasn’t good enough and that my needs were secondary to those around me. I ended up pouring all my love into others and kept little for myself. I was never taught to love myself, so I didn’t know how.
Trauma can also deeply impact our ability to love ourselves. If you’ve experienced trauma, especially in childhood or through toxic relationships, you may have a belief that you’re not worthy of love or respect.
Not only that, but trauma also hijacks the body’s fight-or-flight response, which is a survival mechanism that kicks in during times of perceived danger. When this system is constantly activated due to past trauma, it can leave us in a heightened state of vigilance, making it difficult to focus on self-love and inner peace. This constant state of stress and anxiety overshadows our ability to nurture ourselves, as our brain is preoccupied with survival rather than self-care.
And if that’s not enough, consider that society doesn’t exactly make self-love easy. We’re bombarded with mixed messages: “Loving yourself too much is selfish,” they say, while in the next breath, we hear, “Love yourself more.” It’s no wonder so many of us are confused.
But here’s the thing—if you find yourself struggling with self-love, don’t let shame be your guide. Considering your life experiences and the messages you’ve received, it makes sense that loving yourself might be a challenge.
The good news is – now that you understand this, you also have the power to change it.
Can Self Love Be Learned?
If a lack of self-love sounds too relatable, I have some good news. Self-love can be learned!
While it might seem like a mystical quality that some people naturally possess and others don’t, the truth is that self-love is a learned skill.
According to neuroscience, “what fires together, wires together.” This means that neural connections in the brain become stronger and more established when they are activated simultaneously. In other words, repeated experiences and thoughts create and reinforce neural pathways, making those patterns more ingrained over time.
Put simply – the more you do something, the more likely it will become a habit or pattern.
This means that the more we cultivate a self-love practice, the more it becomes a part of our default thought patterns. This also means that we might need to unlearn old habits and negative self-talk, which can be uncomfortable.
In the initial stages of practicing self-love, it might feel like you’re wading through thick fog—every attempt to practice self-love might seem difficult and foreign. This is because you’re working against deeply entrenched habits. This is a normal part of the process.
Our brains and bodies are trying to return us to homeostasis and familiarity. It’s part of the process. Just as you wouldn’t expect to master a new skill without practice, you shouldn’t expect immediate results here either.
But over time, with consistent effort and self-compassion, new neural pathways are formed that support a healthier relationship with ourselves. It’s all about creating new, positive connections in our brain.
Learning to love yourself is largely a habit, and like any new skill, it requires dedication and practice. ‘31 Days of Self-Compassion,’ provides a structured approach with daily practices to help you develop and reinforce self-love over time.
Don’t be discouraged if it doesn’t happen overnight—each step you take is bringing you closer to a place of genuine self-love.
How to Learn to Love Yourself
This is the moment you’ve probably been waiting for — practical tips on how to learn to love yourself when you don’t know how.
So without further ado, here’s a roadmap to guide you on this path:
1. Embrace Mindfulness:
The present moment holds all of your power to change, and being present begins with mindfulness. Mindfulness practice helps you become aware of your thoughts and feelings without judgment, allowing you to understand yourself better and respond to your needs with kindness. It’s about being fully present with yourself, acknowledging where you are without rushing to fix or change anything.
Whether it’s through focusing on your breath or taking a moment to truly observe your surroundings, mindfulness invites you to slow down, connect with yourself, and embrace each moment as it comes.
2. Acknowledge Where You Struggle Most:
Take a moment to reflect on the areas where you find it hardest to show yourself love. Begin to notice when you start to feel judgmental, critical or ashamed. Get curious about your feelings, and notice them with non-judgment. Identifying these struggles is the first step toward addressing them. Recognize and validate your feelings and triggers without dismissing them.
3. Practice Self-Forgiveness:
We all make mistakes, and it’s important to forgive yourself for past errors and shortcomings. Self-forgiveness means showing yourself with compassion, and then making the choice to let go of guilt and shame. By forgiving yourself, you free up space for growth and self-love.
4. Cultivate Self-Compassion:
Practice treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a close friend. Self-compassion starts by acknowledging your suffering, providing yourself comfort, and recognizing that everyone has struggles. It’s about being gentle with yourself, especially when you’re facing difficulties.
5. Embrace Self-Acceptance:
Learn to accept yourself as you are, flaws and all. Self-acceptance means recognizing your inherent worth and validating yourself. It’s about allowing yourself a full range of emotions, and embracing who you are in the present moment, without trying to change or fix yourself.
6. Give Yourself the Love, Care, and Validation You’ve Always Needed:
Offer yourself the love and validation that you may have longed for from others. This involves giving yourself permission to celebrate your achievements, acknowledge your efforts, and practice self-affirmation. When you need love and support, give it to yourself. Small gestures like giving yourself a hug, writing yourself a thoughtful note, and saying nice things to yourself can go a long way.
7. Prioritize Self-Care:
Self-love is deeply intertwined with self-care. Set boundaries that protect your well-being, allow yourself to rest, and engage in activities that rejuvenate you. Taking care of your physical, emotional, and mental health is crucial to fostering a loving relationship with yourself.
8. Practice, Practice, Practice:
Remember, self-love requires regular practice and commitment. The more you practice self-love, the more natural it will become. Setting aside time to cultivate these habits daily will help you reach for them when you need them most. Be patient with yourself and keep showing up for yourself, even when it feels challenging.
By incorporating these practices into your daily life, you’ll gradually build a stronger, more loving relationship with yourself. It’s a process, but every step you take brings you closer to embracing and celebrating who you are.
Self Love…Because You Deserve It!
Self-love isn’t just a nice idea or a lofty goal; it’s a fundamental aspect of living a fulfilling and happy life.
It’s not always easy, and it certainly doesn’t happen overnight. But embracing self-love is always worth the effort because, at its core, it’s about honoring your own worth…
And, you’re totally worth it!
When it starts to get difficult, remember this: you don’t have to be perfect or have it all figured out. Just be present with yourself, flaws and all, and choose to love yourself anyway. Give yourself permission to be human, to make mistakes, and to grow from them.
You are worthy of love and happiness, and you have everything it takes to make it a reality. The path to self-love is one of the most beautiful and rewarding journeys you can take, and you absolutely deserve it!
For additional support in your self-love journey, feel free to join me to UNWIND for 10 minutes each week.
You’ll receive an email once a week with a free guided meditation to help you:
- Relax your nervous system.
- Give yourself a break.
- Practice self-compassion
- Take a free mental vacation!