If you’ve ever found yourself wondering how to learn to love yourself, you are not alone.
The good news is, self-love is something that can be learned. And I’m going to show you how, based on my experience as a therapist and trauma-survivor, as well as a few research-backed strategies.
Spoiler alert: Self-love is about more than just positive affirmations, and feeling good all the time.
It’s easy to talk about self-love like it’s something that just happens, but the truth is, it’s a journey—a journey that’s often messy, challenging, and full of unexpected twists.
Learning to love yourself takes intention, practice, and patience. And, if you’re not there yet, this guide will help point you in the right direction.
Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that you’re worth it, and you totally deserve it.
Here’s what we’ll cover:
- What is Self-Love?
- Why Don’t I Love Myself?
- Can Self Love Be Learned?
- How to Learn to Love Yourself
- Why is Self-Love Important?
- Looking For More Support On Your Self-Love Journey?
What is Self Love?
Self-love is a buzzword that gets thrown around a lot, especially when it comes to relationships and mental health, but what does it look like in practice?
Self-love, just like any other form of love, is a bit subjective. It isn’t just a single action or feeling; it’s a habit. It’s making the choice to value and appreciate and show up for yourself, consistently. Even when things are difficult.
Self-love isn’t about feeling happy all the time or never doubting yourself.
It’s not about looking in the mirror every day and thinking you’re perfect. It’s about valuing and accepting yourself even when you don’t feel great. It’s about knowing that even when self-doubt creeps in, even when you’re struggling, there’s a greater truth:
💛 You are already enough. You are worthy of love and respect—no matter how you feel in this moment.
For a long time, I didn’t get this. Some days, I felt on top of the world—confident, capable, like I was finally getting it right. But the moment I doubted myself, the moment I had a bad day, I would spiral into shame. I’d criticize myself, push down the feelings, and convince myself that the confidence I had before was a lie.
Now, those feelings still come up. But instead of letting them define me, I can pause and say:
“Ah, this is just a feeling. That’s okay. It makes sense that I feel this way. These emotions might be hard, but I love myself anyway.”
That shift—choosing self-love even in the hard moments—has changed everything for me.
How was I able to make the shift? We’ll get to the nitty-gritty details soon (I promise), but it came down to cultivating 4 key skills:
1. Self-Compassion
This is the foundation. Self-compassion means being kind to yourself, especially when you’re struggling. It’s recognizing that imperfection is part of being human and offering yourself the same grace you’d give a friend. Instead of beating yourself up for making a mistake, you learn to say: This is hard. But I’m doing my best, and that’s enough.
📖 In my best-selling book, 31 Days of Self-Compassion, I go in-depth on how to build this habit, with daily exercises and reflections to help you shift your inner dialogue.
2. Self-Forgiveness
Shame thrives when we hold onto past mistakes, believing they define us. But self-forgiveness is about allowing yourself to grow instead of punishing yourself forever. You are not the same person you were five years ago, or even last week. Holding onto guilt and self-judgment doesn’t make you a better person—it just keeps you stuck.
3. Self-Trust
For years, I second-guessed myself constantly. I looked to other people for validation, approval, and reassurance that I was doing life right. But self-love requires trust—the ability to listen to your own voice and know that your feelings, needs, and decisions are valid. It’s learning to trust that even when things feel uncertain, you can handle it.
4. Self-Care
Self-care isn’t just bubble baths and face masks—it’s the tangible, everyday act of meeting your needs. It’s getting enough sleep, setting boundaries, fueling your body with good food, and giving yourself permission to rest. It’s not indulgent; it’s necessary. Because when you take care of yourself, you reinforce the message: I matter.
Why Don’t I Love Myself?
If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably asked yourself this question a million times. And the answer is probably complicated.
For starters, self-love is a learned behavior, and if we weren’t taught how to love ourselves, it can feel like a foreign concept.
Unfortunately, I can relate. My own early life was marked by relationships where I was mistreated, abused, and taught to prioritize others over myself. Those experiences left me feeling like I wasn’t good enough and that my needs were secondary to those around me. I ended up pouring all my love into others and kept little for myself. I was never taught to love myself, so I didn’t know how.
Trauma can also deeply impact our ability to love ourselves. If you’ve experienced trauma, especially in childhood or through toxic relationships, you may have a belief that you’re not worthy of love or respect.
Not only that, but trauma also hijacks the body’s fight-or-flight response, which is a survival mechanism that kicks in during times of perceived danger. When this system is constantly activated due to past trauma, it can leave us in a heightened state of vigilance, making it difficult to focus on self-love and inner peace. This constant state of stress and anxiety overshadows our ability to nurture ourselves, as our brain is preoccupied with survival rather than self-care.
And if that’s not enough, consider that society doesn’t exactly make self-love easy. We’re bombarded with mixed messages: “Loving yourself too much is selfish,” they say, while in the next breath, we hear, “Love yourself more.” It’s no wonder so many of us are confused.
But here’s the thing—if you find yourself struggling with self-love, don’t let shame be your guide. Considering your life experiences and the messages you’ve received, it makes sense that loving yourself might be a challenge.
The good news is – now that you understand this, you also have the power to change it.
Can Self Love Be Learned?
If a lack of self-love sounds too relatable, I have some good news. Self-love can be learned!
While it might seem like a mystical quality that some people naturally possess and others don’t, the truth is that self-love is a learned skill.
According to neuroscience, “what fires together, wires together.” This means that neural connections in the brain become stronger and more established when they are activated simultaneously. In other words, repeated experiences and thoughts create and reinforce neural pathways, making those patterns more ingrained over time.
Put simply – the more you do something, the more likely it will become a habit or pattern.
This means that the more we cultivate a self-love practice, the more it becomes a part of our default thought patterns. This also means that we might need to unlearn old habits and negative self-talk, which can be uncomfortable.
In the initial stages of practicing self-love, it might feel like you’re wading through thick fog—every attempt to practice self-love might seem difficult and foreign. This is because you’re working against deeply entrenched habits. This is a normal part of the process.
Our brains and bodies are trying to return us to homeostasis and familiarity. It’s part of the process. Just as you wouldn’t expect to master a new skill without practice, you shouldn’t expect immediate results here either.
But over time, with consistent effort and self-compassion, new neural pathways are formed that support a healthier relationship with ourselves. It’s all about creating new, positive connections in our brain.
Learning to love yourself is largely a habit, and like any new skill, it requires dedication and practice. ‘31 Days of Self-Compassion,’ provides a structured approach with daily practices to help you develop and reinforce self-love over time.
Don’t be discouraged if it doesn’t happen overnight—each step you take is bringing you closer to a place of genuine self-love.
How to Learn to Love Yourself
This is the moment you’ve probably been waiting for — practical tips on how to learn to love yourself when you don’t know how.
But here’s the thing: self-love isn’t about forcing yourself to feel good. It’s about learning to work with yourself—your mind, your body, and most importantly, your inner parts.
So without further ado, here’s a roadmap to guide you on this path:
1. Embrace Mindfulness:
The present moment holds all of your power to change, and being present begins with mindfulness. Mindfulness practice helps you become aware of your thoughts and feelings without judgment, allowing you to understand yourself better and respond to your needs with kindness. It’s about being fully present with yourself, acknowledging where you are without rushing to fix or change anything.
Whether it’s through focusing on your breath or taking a moment to truly observe your surroundings, mindfulness invites you to slow down, connect with yourself, and embrace each moment as it comes.
2. Acknowledge Where You Struggle Most:
Take a moment to reflect on the areas where you find it hardest to show yourself love. Begin to notice when you start to feel judgmental, critical or ashamed. Get curious about your feelings, and notice them with non-judgment. Identifying these struggles is the first step toward addressing them. Recognize and validate your feelings and triggers without dismissing them.
3. Calm Your Nervous System
Your body holds onto stress, fear, and self-criticism more than you realize. If you feel overwhelmed or stuck in negative thoughts, it’s likely because your nervous system is in a fight-or-flight state. Practicing nervous system regulation helps you feel safe enough to soften into self-love. Try:
✔️ Deep breathing or box breathing (inhale for 4, hold for 4, exhale for 4)
✔️ Gentle movement like stretching or walking
✔️ Self-soothing touch—place a hand on your heart and remind yourself, I am safe.
When your body feels safe, your mind will follow.
4. Befriend Your Inner Child Parts
Instead of trying to silence the voice of self-doubt, shame, or fear, get curious about it. In Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, we recognize that we all have different parts inside us—some that push us forward, and others that hold us back out of fear, shame, or self-protection.
That inner critic? It’s not your enemy. It’s likely a scared part of you trying to keep you safe from failure, rejection, or pain.
Next time you feelings of shame, self-criticism, or self-doubt creeping in, pause. Take a deep breath and ask:
➡️ What are you trying to protect me from?
➡️ What do you need from me right now?
Listening to these parts with compassion—not judgment—helps them relax, creating space for self-love to grow.
5. Shift From Judgment to Curiosity
Notice the areas where you struggle to show yourself love. When do you feel most critical, ashamed, or unworthy? Instead of judging those feelings, get curious. Ask yourself: Where did I learn this? What is this feeling trying to tell me? The goal isn’t to fix yourself—it’s to understand yourself.
6. Cultivate Self-Compassion:
Self-love isn’t about being perfect or feeling good all the time—it’s about treating yourself with kindness, especially when you struggle.
Practice treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a close friend. Self-compassion starts by acknowledging your suffering, providing yourself comfort, and recognizing that everyone has struggles. It’s about being gentle with yourself, especially when you’re facing difficulties.
7. Reinforce Your Wins (The Science of Self-Love)
Your brain is wired for survival, which means it often focused on what’s wrong, but you can train it to recognize what’s right. Every time you acknowledge a small win—whether it’s setting a boundary, showing yourself kindness, or choosing rest—you strengthen the neural pathways of self-trust and self-love.
Try this: At the end of each day, write down one thing you did that showed self-love. No matter how small, let yourself feel that moment of success. The more you allow yourself to truly feel the progress, the more your brain will recognize that you are worthy, just as you are.
8. Embrace Self-Acceptance:
Learn to accept yourself as you are, flaws and all. Self-acceptance means recognizing your inherent worth and validating yourself. It’s about allowing yourself a full range of emotions, and embracing who you are in the present moment, without trying to change or fix yourself.
9. Give Yourself the Love, Care, and Validation You’ve Always Needed:
Offer yourself the love and validation that you may have longed for from others. This involves giving yourself permission to celebrate your achievements, acknowledge your efforts, and practice self-affirmation. When you need love and support, give it to yourself. Small gestures like giving yourself a hug, writing yourself a thoughtful note, and saying nice things to yourself can go a long way.
10. Prioritize Self-Care:
Self-love is deeply intertwined with self-care. Set boundaries that protect your well-being, allow yourself to rest, and engage in activities that rejuvenate you. Taking care of your physical, emotional, and mental health is crucial to fostering a loving relationship with yourself.
11. Keep Showing Up, Even When It’s Hard
Self-love isn’t a one-time choice—it’s a practice. Some days it will come easily, and other days it won’t. That’s okay. The key is to keep showing up for yourself, even when it feels difficult.
The more you practice self-love, the more natural it will become. Setting aside time to cultivate these habits daily will help you reach for them when you need them most. Be patient with yourself and keep showing up for yourself, even when it feels challenging.
By incorporating these practices into your daily life, you’ll gradually build a stronger, more loving relationship with yourself. It’s a process, but every step you take brings you closer to embracing and celebrating who you are.
Why is Self Love Important?
So, why is self-love so important? Well, for starters, it just feels good. We all want to be loved, and the best place to start is with ourselves.
But it isn’t just about feeling good—it’s fundamental to your mental health, relationships, and overall well-being. It’s the antidote to shame, self-doubt, and the patterns that keep us stuck.
Self-love has real, research-backed benefits for your mental and physical health. Studies show that practicing self-compassion reduces stress hormones, leading to lower anxiety, decreased depression, and even improved immune function.
When you love yourself, you’re more resilient. Instead of spiraling into negative thought patterns, you can step back and say, This is hard, but I’m doing my best. And that’s enough.
At its core, self-love challenges the belief that we are unworthy, unlovable, or fundamentally flawed—beliefs that are often rooted in shame.
Here’s how shame can interfere with your life—and why self-love is the key to breaking free:
Shame Fuels Your Inner Critic
Ever notice how that little voice in your head never seems satisfied? Shame feeds self-criticism, making you feel like no matter what you do, it’s never enough.
But self-love quiets that voice. Instead of tearing yourself down for every misstep, you learn to treat yourself with compassion, understanding that mistakes don’t define you—they help you grow.
Shame Makes You Feel Isolated & Alone
Shame convinces you that you have to hide the parts of yourself you don’t like—that if people really knew you, they’d reject you.
But the truth is, all of us feel that way sometimes. When you embrace your whole self, flaws and all, you open yourself up to deeper, more authentic relationships.
Shame Creates Insecurity in Relationships
If you don’t believe you’re enough, you might settle for relationships that don’t truly serve you, struggle to set boundaries, or constantly seek validation from others.
When you cultivate self-love, you make space for healthier relationships to grow because you love and respect yourself. You show up as your full self—confident, secure, and capable of building healthy, fulfilling connections.
I saw this shift in my own life. When I lacked self-love, I found myself in relationships where I constantly overgave, hoping to be chosen. I avoided conflict, ignored my needs, and thought love had to be earned. But when I learned to love myself first, everything changed. And my relationships—with my husband, my son, my clients, and even myself—became healthier and more fulfilling.
Shame Fuels Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Shame is painful, and when we don’t know how to process it, we look for ways to numb it—through overworking, overachieving, unhealthy relationships, or even substances.
But self-love offers a different path. Instead of avoiding your feelings, you learn to sit with them, understanding that hard emotions don’t make you unworthy—they make you human.
Self Love…Because You Deserve It!
Self-love isn’t just a nice idea or a lofty goal; it’s a fundamental aspect of living a fulfilling and happy life.
We often think of self-love as selfish, but the opposite is true: when you love yourself, you have more to give. You’re more present, more patient, and more able to support others without losing yourself in the process.
It’s like that old saying—you can’t pour from an empty cup.
When I started practicing self-love, my relationships transformed. I was less reactive, more grounded, and more present. I no longer sought validation from others because I had already given it to myself.
And that’s what I want for you.
Loving yourself isn’t about being perfect or never struggling. It’s about standing by yourself even when it’s hard. Because when you do, everything—your mental health, your relationships, your confidence—starts to shift.
And trust me, it’s worth it. 💛
When it starts to get difficult, remember this: you don’t have to be perfect or have it all figured out. Just be present with yourself, flaws and all, and choose to love yourself anyway. Give yourself permission to be human, to make mistakes, and to grow from them.
Looking for More Support on Your Self-Love Journey?
Loving yourself isn’t just a decision—it’s a practice. And if you’ve spent years being your own worst critic, it can feel impossible to know where to start.
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