What Is an Insecure Attachment Style?

At its core, an insecure attachment style is a nervous system adaptation — a way your younger self learned to stay safe, connected, and protected in an environment that didn’t consistently meet your emotional needs. It’s not a flaw. It’s not a failure. It’s a strategy your body and brain created long before you had the language to understand any of this.

Attachment theory helps explain how our earliest relationships shape the way we bond, communicate, and respond to closeness in adulthood. When caregivers are attuned, responsive, and emotionally consistent, children usually develop secure attachment — meaning they grow up feeling worthy of love, comfortable with intimacy, and able to trust that others will show up.

But when love is unpredictable… when affection depends on performance… when a parent is overwhelmed, withdrawn, abusive,  intrusive, or inconsistent… the attachment system also adapts around that. Enter insecure attachment. 

Instead of learning “love is safe,” you learn:

• love is conditional
  
• connection is unpredictable
  
• I have to earn closeness
  
• if I’m not perfect, I might lose them
  
• it’s safer not to need anything
  
• It’s not safe to be seen
  
  

These early emotional patterns shape the way you respond to relationships later in life — especially during moments of conflict, distance, vulnerability, or uncertainty.

Insecure attachment isn’t about what’s “wrong” with you. It’s about what happened to you — and how your nervous system adapted to survive it. Essentially, it’s a trauma response. 

Signs of an Insecure Attachment Style

You probably don’t need me to tell you what the signs of insecure attachment are, because you’ve already experienced it in your relationships…probably on repeat! But I’ll get into the signs anyway, just to validate what you’re experiencing. 

There are three main insecure attachment styles — anxious, avoidant, and disorganized — and each has its own set of “tells.”

Signs of Anxious Attachment

If you lean anxious, relationships feel amazing when things are good… and terrifying the second something feels off. You’re always trying to keep the connection steady.

Common signs:

• Overthinking texts, tone, or tiny shifts in energy
  
• Feeling uneasy or panicked when someone pulls away
  
• Asking for reassurance, then feeling embarrassed you needed it
  
• Doing most of the emotional work just to “keep things okay”
  
• Trying to prove your worth through effort
  
• Worrying you care more than they do
  
• Feeling like you’re “too much” and not enough at the same time
  
• Beating yourself up for being so anxious.
  
  

This isn’t neediness — it’s your nervous system trying to prevent disconnection.

 Signs of Avoidant Attachment

If you tend to be more avoidant in relationships, you want love — you just also want safety, control, and emotional predictability. Closeness can feel uncomfortable or even threatening.

Common signs:

• Feeling irritated or pressured when someone wants emotional closeness
  
• Shutting down or withdrawing during conflict
  
• Needing significant space to think or regulate
  
• Feeling safer relying on yourself than anyone else
  
• Avoiding vulnerability because it feels dangerous
  
• Keeping relationships at a safe distance without fully knowing why
  
  

And here’s the deeper layer most people don’t realize:

It’s the shame and fear of being fully seen — the fear that if someone gets too close, they’ll see your flaws, your wounds, or the parts you’ve hidden — that creates the distance in the first place. Avoidance isn’t a lack of desire. It’s protection.

Signs of Disorganized Attachment Style (Also Called Anxious-Avoidant)

This style feels like being pulled in two directions at once — wanting closeness and fearing it in equal measure.

You might notice:

• Feeling overwhelmed easily in relationships
  
• Swinging between reaching out and shutting down
  
• Intense reactions to conflict or uncertainty
  
• A confusing mix of craving intimacy and wanting to escape
  
• Emotional reactions that feel “too big” or unpredictable
  
  

And just like with avoidant attachment:

The push-pull often comes from a deep fear of being seen — of someone getting close enough to witness the chaos, the pain, or the parts of you you’ve never felt safe sharing. It’s not drama.  It’s survival.

And here’s the biggest sign across all insecure attachment styles:

You keep ending up in the same painful patterns — no matter how badly you want things to be different.

That’s because insecure attachment isn’t about willpower. It’s your attachment system doing what it learned to do to stay safe.

How to Heal an Insecure Attachment Style

Healing an insecure attachment style isn’t about forcing yourself to “communicate better,” thinking your way out of anxiety, or trying to become the perfectly calm, perfectly healed version of yourself. 

(If that worked, you wouldn’t be reading this.)

Insecure attachment is stored in your body, your nervous system, and the younger parts of you that still expect love to feel unpredictable, conditional, or unsafe. So the healing has to happen there too.

( Secure attachment always begins with self-connection. If you want a simple place to start, download my free guided training for nervous system healing. )

The best therapies for insecure attachment are emotion-focused and nervous-system-focused — not logic-focused.

I say this from experience and expertise. I’ve been through almost every type of therapy out there… and then became a therapist and psychology researcher so I could understand it even more deeply.

Talking about the pattern isn’t the same as healing it. Analyzing your childhood isn’t the same as rewiring it.

That’s why the most effective approaches are emotion-focused, experiential, and somatic therapies:

• Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) – helps access the deeper emotional layers beneath your reactions
  
• Internal Family Systems (IFS) – works with the protective “parts” that show up in relationships
  
• Somatic Therapy – helps regulate the body’s attachment responses
  
• Polyvagal-informed work – teaches safety through the nervous system
  
• EMDR – helps process emotional memories and trauma that fuels attachment fears
  
  

My 5-Step RESET process blends elements from all of these modalities. It’s the exact process I used to heal my own anxious attachment patterns, rebuild my sense of safety, and stop clinging, proving, and overfunctioning to feel loved. It helped me become the secure person I’ve needed all along. 

Let’s walk through it.

The RESET Process to Develop a More Secure Attachment Style

Developing a secure attachment starts with healing your attachment wounds and becoming the secure person you’ve needed all along. Here are the steps: 

 R – Recognize & Regulate

This is about noticing the reaction in the moment, without judgment. It’s not about making yourself right or wrong, it’s just about noticing and softening your body. 

• Notice when your chest tightens, your mind spirals, or your fear kicks up
  
• Name what’s happening (“I’m feeling anxious” or “I’m shutting down”)
  
• Take a breath, soften your shoulders, slow your body down
  
  

This helps your system realize: I’m safe enough to stay present.

 E – Explore & Engage

Instead of fighting your reaction, get curious about it.

Ask yourself:

• Where do I feel this in my body?
• What is this fear really about?
• Does this feel like me now… or a younger version of me?
  
  

You’re not digging for trauma — you’re just listening to the part of you that’s been trying to protect you.

 S – Self-Compassion & Self-Support

This step is about showing up for yourself the way you needed someone to show up for you.

Try saying something like:

• “It’s okay to feel this.”
• “I’m here with you.”
• “You don’t have to handle this alone anymore.”
  
  

Then ask:

• What do I need right now? More space? Reassurance? A pause? A boundary?
  
  

This is how you start becoming the secure person you’ve always needed.

 E – Expand Your Capacity for Goodness

When something softens — even a tiny bit — pause and notice it.

• A slower heartbeat
  
• A deeper breath
  
• A moment of calm
• A little more clarity
  
  

Hold that feeling for a few seconds. This teaches your nervous system that safety isn’t a fluke — it’s real.

 T – Trust & Take Action

Once you’ve reconnected with yourself, then you decide what to do.

Not from panic.
Not from fear.
From clarity.

Maybe that action is:

• Setting a boundary
• Saying what you really feel
  
• Asking for reassurance in a grounded way
• Taking some healthy space
  
• Ending something that’s hurting you
• Choosing the relationship instead of running from it
  
  

Every time you honor yourself like this, you build trust — and trust is the foundation of secure attachment. 

Attachment healing always begins by becoming a safer place for yourself. Get a free training with guided exercises to keep you on track.  

What to Keep in Mind as You Heal

Healing your relationship patterns isn’t a straight line. It’s not a “do these five steps and you’ll never get triggered again” kind of journey. It’s more like learning a new emotional language — one your body didn’t grow up speaking. And just like learning anything else, it takes time and commitment. 

Here are a few things to keep in mind as you move forward (especially on the days you feel like you’re doing it wrong):

1. Your nervous system is relearning safety — and that takes time.

Your attachment style forms over years of repeated experiences.
It makes total sense that healing takes repetition too.

You’re not just learning new thoughts. You’re teaching your body:

• “Closeness can be safe.”
  
• “Space doesn’t always mean danger.”
  
• “I don’t have to work to be loved.”
• “I can handle uncomfortable feelings.”
  
  

That kind of rewiring happens slowly, quietly, and often without you realizing it at first.

2. You will have ups and downs — this is part of the process.

Some days you’ll feel grounded and confident in your relationships. Other days you’ll feel like you’re spiraling back into old patterns.

This doesn’t mean you’re failing or going backward. This is healing.

Healing is:

• two steps forward
  
• one step back
  
• a breakthrough
• then a wobbly day
• then more clarity than you used to have
  
  

Forward isn’t linear — it’s layered.

3. Triggers don’t mean you’re broken — they’re invitations.

Triggers aren’t proof something’s wrong with you. They’re simply the places your system still needs support.

Every time you use RESET during a trigger:

• you build emotional strength
  
• you create self-trust
• you become a little more secure
  
  

One moment at a time.

4. Overfunctioning isn’t love — it’s fear.

This is a big one. Trying to fix, solve, rescue, or earn your place in someone’s life isn’t devotion. It’s your nervous system trying to avoid loss.

Real love isn’t frantic. It’s steady. It’s mutual. It’s responsive.

Moving forward means learning to receive, not just give — and to let connection come from who you are, not what you perform.

5. Secure attachment doesn’t mean you never get triggered.

It means you recover faster, respond more intentionally, and stay connected to yourself along the way. That’s what makes you secure — not perfection, but presence.

When you remember these things, the shame loosens. The pressure softens. And your nervous system gets the message it’s been waiting for: “I’m safe now.”

Healing Sets the Stage for Healthier Relationships

When you start healing your attachment style, the biggest shift isn’t that you suddenly become “perfect” in relationships — it’s that you begin creating the conditions for healthy, secure love to grow. You become more available for healthy, close relationships. 

You’re no longer reacting from fear. You’re responding from self-trust.

And that changes everything.

You’ll start to notice that:

• your relationships feel more grounded and stable
  
• you can ask for what you need without bracing for rejection
  
• conflict feels less like a threat and more like a conversation
• you stop chasing people who can’t meet you
  
• you stop settling for crumbs
  
• your boundaries get clearer
  
• you’re less thrown by silence, space, or uncertainty
• you choose partners (and friends) who value emotional safety
  
  

Even more importantly:  you become someone who can create emotional safety — for yourself and for the people you care about. Healthy relationships aren’t built on perfection. They’re built on presence, honesty, self-awareness, and the ability to stay connected to yourself even when things get hard.

And that’s exactly what you’re learning through this process. This is the foundation that allows secure love to take root.

It’s not about earning someone’s affection. It’s about becoming the kind of person who doesn’t abandon themselves anymore.

If you’re ready to keep building that foundation — if you want to feel more secure in your relationships, trust yourself more deeply, stay regulated during hard moments, and stop repeating the same painful cycles — that’s the exact work we do inside Becoming the Love of Your Life.

Becoming the Love of Your Life helps you:

• regulate your nervous system
• understand your attachment patterns
  
• break out of overfunctioning and people-pleasing
• strengthen your boundaries
• reconnect with your emotions instead of reacting from them
  
• build the internal safety that secure love requires

It’s not about changing who you are. It’s about changing the way you relate to yourself — so every relationship in your life gets healthier as a result.

Because when you become a safe home for you…You become a safe home for love, partnership, intimacy, and connection too.

That’s the real beginning of secure attachment — and it’s completely within your reach.