I woke up at 5 am and couldn’t sleep. 

Moving day is tomorrow, and I have a lot on my mind. 

We’ve purged about 70% of our personal belongings this week. It’s been difficult, and sad, and…necessary. But, it’s also been a tremendous relief. 

It’s amazing how much ‘stuff’ you can acquire that you don’t even really like. In letting go of it, I already feel lighter.

This has been a painful and enlightening process. Leaving feels right, but I also feel a significant amount of grief. 

In so many ways, this place has been nothing more than a fancy prison. A burden. A weight. A place to store meaningless stuff that we don’t care about. 

We wanted so badly for this to be a stepping stone to something better. A place where we could gather with friends and family. A place to be ourselves. The last stop before we purchased a home of our own. 

For the most part, none of those things has happened. 

The house has been lonely and desolate. We’ve had people over exactly twice in almost three years. We’ve used it as an excuse to hide ourselves from the world. And the financial burden has been suffocating. We’ve gotten further and further away from our goals. 

In so many ways, making the decision to walk away feels like the first step towards what we actually want. 

But, it’s still hard to walk away from something that was so meaningful to us at one point. To walk away from the memories and the dreams that never panned out. 

It feels right, but a loss is still a loss. 

One thing that’s been giving me solace through this whole thing is simply remembering, ‘wherever I go, there I am.’

In the past, this sentiment wasn’t comforting. In fact, it was the bane of my existence. Try as I might, I could never outrun myself and it plagued me. For years, I tried desperately to hide from myself in different locations, people, and projects. Fortunately, I was wildly unsuccessful!

Eventually, reluctantly, I started to sit with myself. To get to know myself. To show up for myself. And I’m glad I did, because in situations like these, I’m the common denominator, and the only key to my inner peace. 

In spite of everything else going on, it’s been pretty easy to remember that I’m okay and that I’m good enough no matter where I go. I don’t feel a whole lot of shame about the situation. Sadness and grief, yes. But I don’t believe that it’s a reflection of my failure as a human being, or as a business owner, or as a mother.  

Ironically, I feel very at home within myself despite the upheaval. 

I’ve even woken up a few days this week with a sense of excitement. Not for the move, per se, but because it feels so fucking freeing to let go of things that aren’t serving me, and to give myself permission to fully be myself. 

It has been exciting to pursue my passions, and to step away from a business that was dragging me down. 

It has been exciting to step away from the facade of having it all together, and to just be authentically, messily, wildly ME. 

So, as we prepare to walk away, I’ll allow myself to feel all the feels. I’ll allow things to get messy and confusing. And, I’ll allow myself to find beauty in the pain too. 

Because this isn’t just an ending. It’s also a beginning.

Onwards and f-words!