Mixed Emotions On Mother’s Day Aren’t As Uncommon As You Think

Mother’s Day is a worthy cause for celebration. But, what about when it brings up mixed emotions? 

For those of us lucky enough to have a good relationship with a mother who’s still alive, it’s often a day for connection and joy. A day where we can come together with family to express love and appreciation for the women who have nurtured and shaped our lives. 

And (most) moms totally deserve it! Mothering is no easy feat.

But for others, this day carries a heavy weight, a reminder of loss and longing. It’s a day when grief silently weaves its way into the hearts of those who have lost their mothers, leaving an indescribable void. 

It’s also a day when anger and resentment may bubble to the surface for those who are  estranged from their mothers, or for those who have complicated relationships with the person who they’re ‘supposed to be’ honoring and celebrating. 

And that doesn’t even skim the surface of the profound and indescribable pain experienced by a mother who has lost a child, as she navigates Mother’s Day with a heavy heart and an emptiness that no words can capture.

Amidst the sea of celebration, so many people find themselves caught in a whirlwind of conflicting emotions, grappling with the unspoken complexities that Mother’s Day presents. 

If you’re struggling on Mother’s Day, I see you. 

And, in many ways I get it. 

I’m in a pretty good place with my own mother these days, but it hasn’t always been that way.

There have been many times throughout my life that I’ve struggled with complicated feelings about my mother. 

Feelings of intense appreciation paired with a side of resentment. 

Feelings of wishing I could be close to her, but also wanting as much distance as I could possibly get. 

It’s been a complicated journey, and some days it’s still difficult. 

If that’s where you’re at with your own mother right now, it’s okay… 

It’s okay to have mixed emotions on Mother’s Day (or any other day of the year, for that matter). 

It’s okay to be angry / sad / resentful / etc towards your mother. 

It’s okay to set boundaries with your mother, or choose not to see your mother. 

Your feelings are your feelings, and you’re not bad or wrong for having them.

And, if I had to wager a guess, there’s probably a really good reason you have those feelings to begin with. 

I see you, and I know today might be hard for you. You’re not alone. 

And, if you’re someone who’s had to make the ultimate difficult choice of going no contact with your mom, I firmly believe that you didn’t make that decision lightly, and I see you and support you too. 

Relationships can be complicated, and family relationships are often the hardest. 

I’m  a mother myself, and an imperfect one at that. 

I’ve come to believe that I’ve done a ‘good enough’ job as a parent, but I can recognize that I’ve f’ed up a lot. 

The day Dominic was born, I remember first being enamored at how beautiful he was. 

But, my second thought upon seeing him for the first time was “Oh, f**k! I’m going to worry about you for the rest of my life, and I’m constantly going to be afraid of screwing you up.”

I was right. 

The past 11 years have been a journey of imperfect parenting, making mistakes, learning to apologize for those mistakes, and a whole hell of a lot of worry about whether or not I’m doing it right. 

One of my biggest fears is that Dominic will grow up to resent me or struggle in some way because of me. 

And, I doubt that fear will ever go away. It’s just part of the gig, I suppose. 

All I can hope is that my ‘good enough’ will be good enough. 

So, if you’re struggling on Mother’s Day because you’ve screwed up as a parent, or because you’re estranged from your children, I see you too. 

I firmly believe we all do the best we can, until we know better. And when we know better, we do better. 

Society places a whole hell of a lot of unnecessary expectations and pressure on mothers to ‘be perfect’, ‘get it right’, and ‘do it all’. 

Not only is perfection unattainable, but it would also rob us of the opportunity to show our children that it’s okay to make mistakes. That it’s okay to be perfectly imperfect. 

On the other hand, society can also place undue burden on children (and adult children) to revere and ‘honor’ thy mother, even when doing so can be to the person’s own detriment. 

My opinion may be unpopular, but not all mothers deserve to be revered. 

Being an imperfect mother is understandable. Being an abusive, neglectful, manipulative, or cruel mother is not. 

Why is it okay for society to judge a mother for her imperfections, but not okay for that mother’s child to make a judgment call about whether or not they want to have a relationship?

Acknowledging these societal norms around motherhood for what they are (absolute bullshit) is the first step toward moving past them. 

However you’re feeling about your own parenting or about your own mother this Mother’s Day is okay. 

Having a good relationship with your mom, and with your children is okay.

Having a complicated relationship with your mom, and with your children is okay too.

It’s time to start having real conversations about the complexities of motherhood. 

If you’re struggling today, I see you.

If you’re celebrating today, that’s amazing, and I see you, too. 

Like any other human experience, motherhood is multifaceted, encompassing both profound love and the potential for heart-wrenching sorrow.