“My friends are out of the music group,” Garrett said matter-of-factly.

“So, what does that mean? Are you still producing the record?” I asked.

“Yes, but it will be with a group of people I’ve never met before,” he explained carefully.

A few weeks prior, Garrett had been playing music with his bandmates at the cafe, as they do every Saturday, and they were approached by a music producer. The guy used to be a Big-Wig at a major music label, and had just started his own production company.

After a couple meetings, Mr. Big-Wig asked a few members of Garrett’s group, including Garrett, to record an album with him. It sounded like a promising opportunity, and Garrett was stoked.

Except now, Garrett’s group was apparently out.

“So, who else is in the group then?” I ventured, cautiously.

“A bunch of people from all over the world…. Including a few women.”

Only one question mattered to me at that point:

“Are any of them attractive or triggering women?”

“Yeah, one of them is triggering. I’m struggling with it a bit,” he admitted.

I could feel my heart rate increasing, and it was hard to breathe. My thoughts were racing, but outwardly I was frozen.

So, this was it – the beginning of the end, I thought to myself.

After all of the work, and all of the fighting, and all of the therapy, some Big-Wig with a music label stumbles across Garrett at the cafe, coaxes him into recording a record with attractive women, and destroys our relationship, all in one fell swoop.

Inside my brain and body, a battle was waging. A core part of me wanted to be happy for him. He had been hoping for an opportunity like this for so long, and I truly believe that people should follow their dreams. He had always supported me in following mine.

But, the other part of me hoped this opportunity would disappear as quickly as it had appeared.

That part of me was trapped in pain and hurt and fear, and the feelings were visceral. It felt as though my carefully constructed world, with safety nets and rules and boundaries was collapsing around me. My body was shaky, and I couldn’t think clearly.

To someone else, this scenario might be business as usual. No big deal. A normal part of everyday life and relationships.

To me, the thought of him spending long days in close proximity to an attractive, talented, triggering woman was a major threat.

I had been down this road before, so many times, and I knew the risks.

Inside my brain, a montage of my relationship history was stuck on repeat.

My mom meeting Steve online when I was 12 years old, and ignoring me for two lonely years. It was like I didn’t exist.

My dad marrying my uncle’s wife, despite knowing how much she disliked me. Knowing how much it hurt me.

My high school boyfriend breaking up with me, and then getting my best friend pregnant.

My ex-husband telling me I was unattatractive, and then calling my aunt to tell her he had feelings for her.

Watching Ryan parade a never-ending stream of women in front of me, constantly telling me I wasn’t good enough.

Getting rejected by Garrett over and over again, only to find out he was searching for his ex-girlfriends online.

Hearing Garrett at his lowest moments, telling me “I’d rather be with anyone but you.”

So many memories, so many different people, but always the same feeling –

“You’re not good enough. When people have other options, they never choose you.”

I felt like I was suffocating and I needed some space. I spent the next week processing through a lot of anger, tears, and panic. Also a lot of internal conflict: I wanted to support Garrett, but would I be supporting him right into someone else’s arms?

It was a question I didn’t yet have an answer to.

But in the midst of all traumatic memories and feelings bubbling at the surface, I also couldn’t shake the small inner voice that whispered, “Let him.”

The same inner voice whispered, “You are enough. It’s going to be okay.”

There had been so many times during my relationship with Garrett that I had hoped and prayed to have a partner I could trust, consistently.

There had been so many times that I had wished we could break the fucking chains we had been surviving in, so we could fully enjoy our lives.

It wasn’t lost on me that this was a defining moment. An opportunity presenting itself.

I didn’t know how it would play out. Whether it would end in crisis and trauma as so many other opportunities had. Or if it would become a corrective experience, and a stepping stone to a better life.

But I was ready to find out.

Because at the end of the day – even if it ended poorly, even if he didn’t choose me – I knew that I would finally choose myself. Again and again, until the end of time.

I was still scared, and I was still riddled with doubts, but I knew it was time to move forward.

So, I took a leap of faith, and said to Garrett with conviction, “I support you. Let’s do this.”